Mixin it up a little!!

It's friday and i've hit that hypathetical wall of im unable to do something worth being paid for at work.. So hey.. LETS BLOG!!

The momalou asked me to mix it up a little last because apparently my dating life is a little boring(couldnt agree more), and apparently i have other important things in my life to talk about(couldnt agree less). But. here. we. go!!!

School glorious school! I have begun my quest from venturing from the nerdy career of accounting into the nerdy field of IT and IS(Information systems). Yes there's a difference.. Its amazing how much we use computers and the information systems that are on them yet people think they only know nothing about computer's inner workings.. well the information systems are just as tricky people!! So thats what im doing. Gonna learn how to understand them and possibly build them and finally install them.. yes nerdy! but kinda exciting for me!! The U of U is amazing!!! you feel smarter walking around the campus and yes the women there are amazing!

The 40 days continues to be my main focus.. I even gave of facebook for a week! yes tricky for one who seemed to check it every ten minutes.. yes im retarded and bored as hell at work! and well work continues to suck! I dont have any good ideas on how to fix it or if i should stay or go.. i can pay my bills and play.. what more do i need... tryin to be humble.. not working... ha!

Onto the other loves of my life!!! golf and BMX racing!!! i havent golfed since monticello and it makes me sad.. i miss my golfin buddy jeremy down in monticello had a blast.. Im gonna need to golf this weekend i think. And BMX! i bought me a cruiser which is just a bigger wheeled bmx bike. see pic below!! You cant get better unless you race someone better then you... well i can only race jonas in cruiser class because its only broken into age groups not skill levels.. so bring on the indoor bmx series!! so damn excited for it! i look up to the boy and so to be on the track with him(tryin to follow him) is always a blast!!!

Onto the girls... Well seems i lose them faster then i keep them.. story of my life!! i got told last weekend by some married lady that im too damn nice... i say naay... Just ask my ex-wife!!! I'm still pretty sure she refers to me as THE asshole... ha!! My philosophy on why women love assholes is as stated.. relatively simple.. you have a beautiful woman. Prob has 10 to 15 men droolin over her at any given point in the day.. So whats to differentiate one from the other.. well be an asshole.. why? because simply put women think their shit dont stink.. They wont even fart around ya til like year 4 of a relationship... but tell them their shit does stink and better yet tell them you've had better and they'll spend 20 years proven you differently.. sadly pathetic really. this is why nice guys finish last! and im goddamn bringin up the rear..

quotes of the week:
BJ Harmon, "im on a roll with this whole new outlook on life, If i can NOT have sex, i can sure as hell stay sober on a friday night!"

Momalou, "Money cant buy you happiness son.." Me, "Sure can buy alot of things that can mom!!" Momalou, "Ya good luck with that.... dumbass..."

Clay Miller, "IF SHE WASNT SO GOD DAMN STUPID.... I'D EFFFING LIKE THE DUMB BITCH!!!"
(he's always yelling if you dont understand the capslock...)

40 Days/ 40 Nights

And so it begins... 6 days ago. I believe the correct term is Sabbatical. A hiatus from the love of women and or self pleasure.. Nothing, nada, zip, zero, ZILCH!! What started as a simple comment to my sister ended up as 40 days of nothing... EFFF!! "I can't live without women. They make me happy!" AC says, "Maybe you need to take a sabbatical". And here i am!!! Self soothing without self pleasure.. And as we all know this is a hard concept to accomplish for men.

If you havent seen the movie(yes, im following a movie) go rent it!! Its a classic and hilarious!(title of blog) Im hoping i dont start a nervous twitch and become all wirey and weird, but sadly i think its already beginning.... *twitch*.

Rules for the course:
1. I can hang out and talk to girls but no dates!!
2. No touching, petting, holding hands, kissing, sex... blah blah efff!!
3. Self soothing without self pleasuure.. i.e. no masterbation
4. No talking about fight club...

Quotes on the week:

Clay Miller, "All's i know is my new life goal is to be quoted on your blog!!!" check!!!

Girl #2 "Bah! figured i'd give a relationship a try finally... You have to still talk to me!" Me, "haha!!, nah..." Girl #2, " You really won't talk to me!?" Me, "________".

Starship Trooper quote(for my pops) "Funny how they still wanna be your friend after they rip your guts out".



I've always thought of this pic after every time my boys have gotten hurt by a girl.. Steelin the pic from my Jonas for the moment. Don't get me wrong i've broken plenty of hearts but right now this about me hatin!!!

Facebook will be the death of you(woman)!!

Some things are worth being woke up at 5a.m. for!!! Sex, home cooked breakfast, coffee, and being proven right. Those are about it though...

A somewhat wise man(Jonas Harmon) once told me that a woman should never text you before 8a.m. and i've lived by this theory on most levels besides on women im actually dating.. cause i love mornings and i love texts that say good morning handsome... But this girl cross's the line on all levels!!! Remember girl #1?(refer to my first ever post) ya... So anyways she text me last thursday wanting to chill.. EFFF that and ignore... Well apparently she found out that i deleted her off of facebook at 5 in the damn morning yesterday!!! YOU DELETED ME OFF OF FACEBOOK!!? In the world we live in now a days this similar to the death penatly.. Nothing pisses someone off more than when theyre denied access to snoop on your life without you knowing.. Lets face it, that is all facebook is really good for. And then she goes on to reem me that i deleted her cause she didnt put out, and im the one fresh off of divorce, and i didnt want to date seriously.. and blah blah blah.. literally bitchin me out!! And then a message on facebook.. YOUR ASS NEEDS TO LEARN TO TALK AND COMMUNICATE TO ME BETTER!!! Your ass needs to shut the hell up!! DELETED!!! I've said it once ill say it again.. Women are crazy!!!!! Let's check the facts: If it took you a month to realize I deleted you, then i wasnt high on your "how is Zach doing" priority list. Second, I told you more then once dont text me before 8a.m.! And third, if you honestly think i deleted you cause you didnt put out you are seriously DUMB!! It's because your putting out to everyone BUT me!!! SO THERE!! whore...

Other women notes: internet dating continues to suck!!! I've got nothing.. not gonna lie.. apparently no women get my humor(most likely) or god damn brad pitt is playing all the women on match.com in utah.. Cause ya im that good looking. I still seem to have my bar girl hangin around... She pretends to be interested but doesnt seem to commit to actually hangin out with me.. i had to bribe her with starbucks on saturday morning just to see her.. I will use that tactic again if deemed necessary... There has been one other lead but my sister quickly shut that one down.. Morally im not in the place to make those kinds of decisions so i referred to the one person that will talk me off the doomed ledge.. I cant speak of the said woman cause you never know who's readin this shit... Lets just go with she's hot as hell and i'd have to run through a gauntlet to get her. plus she's way out of my league.. STORY OF MY LIFE!!!

Fail, fail, fail, maybe...? tank...

OK ok sorry im a little late on my once a week blog but, i started school so monday and tuesday I was busy damnit...

Alright where are we? So Jonas says this blog is no longer about my internet dating just my dating life in general... Summary: THERE IS NONE!! HA!But there's always stories! So lets recap shall we? I got three stories: Girl #2, a.k.a. the carrot on a string, internet you still suck, and haunted past.This will be an anger post by the way, so im sure ill offend just about every woman not related too me, and most that are...

Oh yes girl#2 has struck again... She's like s mini nightmare(cause she's short, get it)!!! Ladies ladies, not only are you CRAZY but you are flakey!!! good hell. months of chasing and falling flat on my face only to stand back up chase again and then get kicked in the nuts... i've perminently removed the sign from my back and put it on my nuts its that bad. Anyways rambling. Ladies, if its your idea you better do everything humanly possible to make sure you show up! if not i want proof your leg is actually missing from the car accident. We were supposed to go fishing i spent saturday getting ready for it and new license, tackle, blah blah blah and sunday morning she drank too much the night before didnt wake up on time, and im pissed! Done done done! Girls, guys may be assholes but your not helping!!

And the internet dating isn't exactly poppin off either! I should be somewhere around 50 "matches" right now and I think I've really only contacted maybe six.. Alot of sent emails, I really am gonna believe from that previous girls silence that I look like a serial killer.. Which coincidently I just went from hopeless romantic to serial killer as of today.. Tousche! I did ask a girl to get coffee sometime but she didn't write me back for 5 days, but she said she had a death in the family, likely excuse.. I'm sure I'm goin to he'll for mocking that, but that's no shocker.. But she didn't say she wanted to get coffee yet either. Fail.

Alright haunted past your turn.... This ones my favorite yet. And this one is totally not anger towards her I'm just gonna go with horrible timing! Beautiful girl!! Wow!! Just need to point that out, and out of my league but I shoot for the stars dammit. Anyways Friday night was bar night, the boys are goin plus a wife and her friend... The bar ends up being awesome! I met one girl with a woody woodpecker tattoo on her arm.. Were talkin high quality, but she was cute! She stuck around for a bit but some how this gorgeous blonde calls me out that she knows me.... Woody girl goes m.I.a. Basically my focus changed... Now I don't forget a blonde.. Ask anyone that remotely knows me.. So who is this girl!? Well I went to high school with her! She remembers me from that far back, I make good impressions ;)....anyways one thing leads to another, buying her drinks, carrying her shoe around(?), talkin all night. Yes I got her number.. Weve been flirty Ever since! Forward to today... I talk her into dinner tonight she seems stoked, I'm definitely stoked! Not two hours later.... I get the text. I CAN'T WIN!! This is the store of my life. Referencing the fishing story I can hook women left and right but I ain't netting shit! She's got a legite excuse, but like I said the kick me sign is on my nuts.

I'm done trying... But like my sister said"til next weekend".

Few good quotes from the week from me and my friends.

Dan, " you see some hot chick with some goofy looking guy and think he's either rich or one hell of a salesman."
Me, " ya it's called his penis is bigger then mine".

Me, "I'm a shallow bastard with high expectations! I'm never getting laid..."
BJ, "keep your standards, lower your expectations."
Me, "I'm gonn need a hot drunk slut..."

Dan, "women become crazy, And guys become assholes.. It's a vicious cycle. We need to find the point that women become crazy!"
Me, " I blame the asshole that took her virgnity."
Dan,"touché"

8/16/2011: Day of Recollection

Woe... Ok so its been basically 5 days since i started this blog oh and 6 days since i joined the dating website,the reasoning for starting the blog if you all havent caught on yet. ;)

Ok so updates!!! Yes i have had some success!! took 4 days to get it but i have had some success... Monday is the day of recollection ive decided for all women. Apparently they looked back on the weekend realizing it was either spent alone or with some DB(douche bag, if your not down with the connilingua). Why do i say this? Well up through sunday night i had decided i was a truly ugly kid and that I might be have start crying that i couldnt succeed on a god damn dating website!! even the ra-tards are getting married!!! effff!!!! Lets go statistical shall we..?

5 days of dating website, and you get basically 8 matches a day that the website actually tries to hook ya up with.. thats 8x5=40(i used a calculater to make sure, dont judge me). I've showed "interested" to 18 of them, just less then have. still following? keep up now... i'd winked at 5 girls(easy way of saying your not cute enough to email, but im sure you have a sweet spirit). now of the 18, plus the 5 ive winked at,i emailed roughly 9. so basically contact with 14 of them. ok ready for the kicker? absolutely no response from all 9(no wink responses either!!)!!! I'm 0 for the efffing millenium!!!OHHH!!! not to mention the women that view your page.. as of sunday night i had 4... 4!!!! i dont think women really have to search though, at least this is what im telling myself. Two had kids, one was cute(i winked ha), and the other one says she was 30 yrs old(yaa 30 years my ass!!!) To this i say screw you dating website i do it myself!!!

ok ok so success right? so just doing the randome search i've viewed roughly 50 profiles.. i've winked twice at randome women and emailed 4. I got one wink response from one girl and 3 return emails!! Yes i can choose my matches better than the stupid dating website! fail desparateforlove.com, Im winning!!p.s. the women who had viewed my page on monday(day of recollect), 18!!

The responses of emails have been somewhat short, slightly flirty, but you can tell theyre testing the is he crazy, weird, creepy, or flatout serial killer(its hard to not to fug with them)?one girls intro actually says if you look like a serial killer ill delete you...(of course i had to ask if i looked like one, cause im a smart ass like that). fuggem if they cant take a joke! but i will keep ya posted on if i get a date anytime soon!

peace and im out for the day!!!

8/11/2011 - I want grandkids!!!!

Ok mom its not all your fault that i've decided to join a dating website, but I ain't letting you off that easy! Yes i've moved into the realm of internet dating, where 1 in 5 relationships start that way now! The other four start by random hook-ups at the bar, college orgies, friends of friends, or pure luck.... Well i got no luck, my friends all think im the shit but no one seems to be hooking me up,hey i am going back to college(fingers crossed), and the last time i went to the bar I was the grenade that some girl's ugly friend had to jump on. Watch Jersey Shore if you don't get the grenade joke, but lets just say she was taking one for the team.

Ok ok... how the hell did I get to this point in my life? Pretty simple really, I fell in love with a girl five years ago that i loved and adored and was pretty sure she was the one for me for the rest of my life, blah blah blah. Well that shit didnt work! I maintain that I still love her as much today as I did the day I married her, but reality sets in and you find loves overrated when your ass hurts from being chewed on and you can't seem to do anything right, yes I know typical marriage! And yes dear, ok, whatever you say dear just doesn't exist in my dictionary. And dont get me wrong, I didnt help our situation by any means(mom your son is no saint) but two people with a strong will to be right will always have a hard time admitting when theyre wrong. D.I.V.O.R.C.E. I can't say this will be the last time i mention her in this blog, you just don't wipe your ass clean after 5 years shhhtuff by blinking but the hope here is to not step backwards into the reminence of what i refer to the last 5 years now as the ice ages.

Now there's been a few women in between then and now, enough to tickle my fancy. And to help keep track of all said women i shall be numbering them, it's how my dad kept track of my women in high school and i still find that funny, demeaning yes, but get over it, technically you girls still owe us a rib! Number One, has always been a huge pain in my ass for prob 4 years now! yes even when I was still dating the ex, still maintain i did not cheat on my ex but ONE did not help my situation. Always liked her but few people can aggravate me like her. She's the one that calls you (by all means)and wants to chill then leaves your ass hangin. Oh and then tells you about all her dirty whorish adventures with other men(eff woman i dont need to know!!), but the best i get is foreplay and a little how do you do... I deleted her off facebook(It's considered corporal punishment now a days) and eff that if i ever talk to her again. FUGGEM! TWO is a cute little thing will always have my attention, she knows im a sucker for her, and is a champion and dangling that damn carrot. She's been the only one i believe worthy of dating so far. Go figure the one you want aint havin you, story of my life. There have been a couple best 30 seconds of their lives(sorry ladies i claim to be good at everything but sex)a.k.a one night stands, and a few other unmentionables not worth repeating... And thats no slam to them just some things need to be kept private! So we shall skip to lets start with number Nine from here on out.. Men lie so it should be Five or something but im still starting with Nine damnit.

28 years old is not the best time to jump back into the dating world... I'll be Frank.. IT EFFFING SUCKS!! Finding quality women in Utah is hard! The break down of women ill be dealing with goes into three general categories when your at my stage in life. Category Numero Uno:LDS women- This is Utah remember, love em, some of the craziest girls i've ever dated! But at the end of the day they're gonna put the beer down and theyre going through the temple. Not me!!(sorry grandma) So kiss category one good bye... Category #2: Late Bloomers- These are the 24+ aged women never been married or just divorced and getting desperate! Something about this age in Utah women begin to snap, and its probably gonna be the most common girl i meet on the dating website! They usually have daddy issues, or they're "independent" women(even worse).. Category #3:MILF's!! - Love em!! but they already got kids and i don't want someone elses brat kids and I just ain't that desperate yet.. I wont pass up a good one but they're outside my criteria for now. sorry...

Well here goes nothing!! The profile has already been setup so we shall hope for the best. Hopefully this blog will be pretty entertaining with all my stories to come and who knows maybe ill find someone worth while! If this shit works ill blog til the day i get married, i promise! I've already tried to make a few connections with some girls but no feedback yet. And ill try to add a few more entertaining quips about my life in between or as they come.. Lord knows my life can be entertaining... Just ask my boy Jonas he thinks its funny. Funny funny haha or funny funny your pathetic, its really hard to say. We'll see what happens!